This is a couple of days late, but I really didn't know what to say. Ursula K. Le Guin was and is one of my favorite authors. From her science fiction social experiments to her rich fantasy novels, her work is beautiful and also deeply cognizant of the human experience, with all of its accomplishments and sordid moments. Losing such an important literary voice feels like an enormous blow, but luckily she was so prolific -- we can continue to learn a lot from all of the work she left behind. As more of my favorite artists grow old and pass away, it's difficult to know who will lead us forward. I can only conclude that it's time for us to rise to the occasion and create the works that will embody the truths of our time. RIP Ursula, and thank you for everything.
I kinda lost my creative spark in the last few months. I was trying to get a steady job and figure out a consistent practice for writing and other stuff. In the new year I am trying to start/continue several projects, including:
- A gaming podcast with my partner Michael
- Monthly ASMR videos
- Daily DWYM practice (also suggested by Michael), which is 5 mins each of:
- Updating the website with written and visual content regularly
The thing is, struggling with depression and anxiety just quashes any motivation a lot of days to do things I love like these creative projects and traveling/exploring or even just reading. This move to LA has been incredibly hard in many ways. This year I'm just going to try to let go of so much quality control/censoring of my thoughts and just put content out there. What the world needs is more radical honesty and feelings, not some perfectionist bullshit.
If anyone out here is reading this, hi!
This week was incredibly busy socially (which is unusual for me, because this year I haven't been terribly social since moving to LA). We went on a couple of long walks through Griffith Park and the LA River. I did some work at Stories, this cool bookstore and cafe in Echo Park and I picked up Shadow of Night by Deborah Harkness (my favorite of the All Souls Trilogy!) for $1, so started re-reading that.
For some reason I've been into melancholy coming-of-age/finding-yourself films this week. I wanted to watch Carol, Girl, Interrupted, The Devil Wears Prada, and Little Women, but ended up just watching the first two. I hadn't seen Carol since it came out in theaters in 2015, but it remains a sensual and beautiful love story between two women in 1950s New York. It also explores the idea of finding oneself and one's purpose through one of the main protagonists, Therese, who works retail and wants to be a photographer. I relate to this lately because of my move to LA and trying to find my stride in my creative practice. I also did a live tweet of the film so feel free to check it out.
Girl, Interrupted holds up. It's based on a memoir of writer Suzanna Kaysen (played by Winona Ryder), who spends time in a mental institution in the 1960s. It's about a young woman trying to find herself and deal with mental health issues, in a world that is undergoing political upheaval and with a family that isn't very supportive. Her parents want to "fix" her ASAP so it doesn't embarrass them in front of their friends, but she's having a hard time dealing with finding a place for herself as an unconventional thinker in a world that wants her to have a practical plan.
Both of these are stories written by women about female protagonists, that have been directed by men. I also LOVE them, but am trying to think a little more critically about things that I unequivocally loved in the past. Although Carol is breathtakingly beautiful and romantic, we mostly see longing and sorrow playing out through their facial expressions and body-language, rather than hear the characters talk to each other. It kinda painfully reminds me of relationships I've had in the past where not communicating about what's going on led to some sticky situations. It's frustrating to watch them not talk to each other, and talk around Carol's recently-ended relationship with her husband, Harge. The characters seem highly reductive and stylized so it's hard to know what anyone is really thinking or feeling -- the book goes into the inner thoughts of characters more.
The characters in Girl, Interrupted feel like "crazy-girl" tropes, except for the main character, Suzanna. We get some back story on some of the other girls, but we don't often get to hear their thoughts or feelings about their lives -- we mostly hear Suzanna's observations through writing in her journal or get info on them from Lisa, another patient at Claymoore.
I also thought: what is with this trend of having women perform self-exploration, especially in the 1990s-2000s? Maybe I'm overgeneralizing here, but it seems like society likes to capitalize on the suffering of women as they have bad things happen to them that force them to grow, whereas stories with male protagonists growing up are way more about the fact that they have a dream to be X, Y, or Z and they have to overcome conflict to get there. Women find themselves while men become what they always knew they could be.
Today the air was Autumnal but the sun still burned down. We went for a short hike in the shade of Griffith Park and found a creek trickling through lush tropical plants. What had started out as an intense day slowed down as I listened to the sound of water and breathed in fresh, clean earth.
We saw waterfalls, pools with tiny crayfish and polywogs, turtles sitting in the sun, and dragonflies flitting by. We ended the hike with coffee, peach pie, and chocolate lavender scones at the Trails Cafe.
I'm sure everyone already knows how to make this, but I decided to experiment with breakfast today. I was inspired by bacon-wrapped blue cheese-stuffed dates and also this article about a sadly non-existent ladyfinger & fig McFlurry.
STICKY ROASTED FIGS
You will need:
- 8-10 figs
- honey (I used local citrus honey)
- brown sugar
- funky cheese (I used caramelized onion cheddar from Trader Joe's)
- glass baking pan
- Pre-heat oven to around 400 degrees
- Wash & halve figs and place in rows in glass baking pan
- Top 1/3 each with honey, brown sugar, or cheese (or all 3 if you're feeling wild)
- Bake for approximately 30 minutes, or until things start to smell delicious in the kitchen and they're probably done
- Enjoy alone or over plain Greek yogurt
- Eat leftover caramel in pan with a spoon!
Y'all. It's been so so so hot here in LA this week. There's some kind of high-pressure weather pattern that's lead to a crazy heat wave and a massive wildfire in the La Tuna Canyon Park, north of LA. Evidently this weather pattern is the same one that caused Hurricane Harvey to sit over Houston and contributed to the flooding. Seeing as we don't have air conditioning in our apartment, we've just been hunkering down and reading the news, drinking cold drinks and a lot of water, and trying to distract ourselves from the anxiety that comes from current events and being a sweat monster. Oh, the fact that it's also Mercury retrograde has played a huge role in the sitting, waiting, and reflecting of the past week.
Here are a few things that have kept me occupied over the last week:
1. GLOW (the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling on Netflix): My overall opinion of this show is that it's entertaining. We watched it all in a relatively short amount of time and I found myself caring about the characters and the wrestling show they were striving to get off the ground. Some things were progressive (spoiler: there's an abortion plot line), but many things were not: the racist character personas assigned to the wrestlers, the rampant jokey misogyny, the 1980s era politics, etc. Some people think it's a critique of outdated social conventions, but it's hard to know where the critique ends and the winky glorifying of the old comfortable tropes that go with 1980s nostalgia begins.
2. Game of Thrones: After I watched the season 7 finale, I decided I ought to finish book 5, A Dance with Dragons. I'd been putting this off since 2011, because I was watching the show, had read the first four books that year, and was playing a L O T of Skyrim. It was like my whole world was a violent medieval fantasy and it was a little much. So anyway, I finished the book finally and was reminded of how well the books are written: how much more intricate the plot lines are, the character development is, etc. One of the things I love to do is compare visual adaptations to their written forms, I find it endlessly entertaining, especially with this series. I'm that person who gets a little tipsy at GoT watching parties and regales people who have only seen the show with bloodlines and historical backstory. Gonna miss that.
3. More food mags: The last issue of Lucky Peach came out :( It's a selection of best-of articles representing all of the past issues. I also found a British publication called New Philosopher and this issue was about food. There's a lot of graphic design infographics so far and some fussy opinions about food writing, diets, and foodies. It's sort of an antithesis of pubs like Lucky Peach that glorify the backstory and cultural connections of food and make it more about statistics about what's problematic with foodie culture (so far). But I'd be interested to read more issues and see what they're about. I guess I have to find a new food pub also :(((((
I didn't want to do a Sunday Select this last week, because I am still processing my emotions surrounding the Charlottesville protest and its backlash and other protests around the nation. I read article after article and post after post. I came to the devastating conclusion that some of my family members (who are part of the problem of white supremacy, same as me) refuse to consider alternatives: that they could be wrong, that they could listen, learn, and help others. I haven't even talked with my parents about their opinions, because I'm very afraid of what the consequences will be. What do you do when people don't think about their culpability in a system that is causing grievous harm to others? And when they think that the left is a conspiracy to overthrow their way of life? And when there's concrete proof that white supremacy is alive and well, marching openly in the streets, and many of those same people align themselves with our current president? What more do they need?
I know I can't sit in silence forever, that I need to do or say something. I feel very afraid of the political climate, that I don't know or relate to people who have cared for me my entire life. I also feel hopeful that this terrible racism perpetuated openly by white nationalists and the so-called "alt-right", as awful as it is, will help to bust open white supremacist bubbles and lead to long-overdue conversations and change in our country. I feel afraid that I'm doing it all "wrong." I think what this all comes down to is that people don't want to feel like bad people or that they're wrong and they'll dodge and deny forever to avoid feeling that and admitting to it.
I was also preparing for the transformation and tumult that would come during and in the wake of the Great American Eclipse. I stayed home and didn't try to view the eclipse. Instead, I made eclipse water, did tarot, and took a cleansing salt bath while meditating.
This week I thought I would get a lot of creative work done, but instead I've just been watching Glee season 4 and reading Game of Thrones theories online. The lesson I've learned this week is that while we should speak out, volunteer, protest, and vote to change the system, it's okay to sit with your feelings and try to figure out how you can help. Sometimes getting a lot of sleep and crying is necessary to help purge all the toxic news and achieve a fresh start.